User blog:Wσℓƒgιяℓ/THE DESOLATION OF SMAUG MOVIE REVIEW
This is late. I was supposed to post this yesterday. This is my second version because I wrote the first and I lost it. MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. OR JUST STOP READING RIGHT NOW Final warning... ---- I watched this in a theatre with about 90 people and I sat beside my friends...so we were making random comments through the movie. Anyway I thought Bree was Laketown at first, then realized--duh--no Lake. I was then informed by the glorious caption that it was Bree. I got confused as Thorin entered--he was supposed to be with his Dwarves...not at the Prancing Pony, but then I realized it was a flashback. I think the flashback was rather pointless because I really didn't need any of the information there. Apart from the fact that there were people trying to kill him, but we already know that. Anyway skip to the Company at Beorn's house. If I woke up to a bee landing on my face, I would not be as calm as Bilbo...I'd probably punch it and get stung in the process. If I found out that there were more bees I would just freak out and find another place to sleep. Bees can sting you...but I guess the magic of movie making made (alliteration! Haha) the bees appear sweet and magical. Yep, that entire thing just from a bee on his face. Okay, then, Gandalf/Ian McKellen in the old place. I don't know what it's called, you know, the place where the 'servants of evil' are buried. Yeah I don't know the name...but when he nearly fell over the cliff, I thought, poor Ian McKellen. Okay, he's 74 and he's in good shape but you had him trip over a loose stone pathway, slide/fall down a slippery shaft he did not expect and then almost fall over the edge of his path. I saw the video diaries and obviously, he had cables and stuff attached to him so he would not actually fall, but it isn't easy, either. Poor guy... I went in expecting the plot of the movie to change a little bit because of Tauriel. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate Tauriel. In fact I think she is badass. Female elf, captain of the guard, et cetera...plus, in the trailer, you can see Thranduil telling her that Legolas cares for her. That romance wasn't in the books, and in LOTR I don't think he mentioned anything about having a wife or a girlfriend...did he? Anyway, she is awesome. Kili: Aren't you going to search me? I could have anything down my trousers. ' Tauriel: Or nothing.' OOH SNAP BURN. Note: Kili is gorgeous. More on that later. Heh, when Thranduil was like "He cares for you" my friends and I were all like awwwww. And then he just looked at her and said, Do not give him hope where there is none (my friend thought that was the ultimate cockblock LOL). And then Kili and Tauriel are talking. One is in prison, the other put him there. Hah he is so cocky... And this is awesome. Tauriel: And are you reckless? Kili *with the best look on his face*: Nah. That was hilarious. Then I started to panic because of the implied romance starting. No I didn't think the trousers comment meant anything serious because it was probably Kili's character. I thought of Gimli and Galadriel--you know cause he had a crush on her, but that's understandable because Galadriel is really beautiful and who wouldn't? But it was obviously one-sided, I mean, no one expected it to go any further (*is killing the person who invented fanfiction*) right? And then look at Gimli....ooh I laughed when Legolas insulted Gimli (he is your future bromance, dude). Anyway, Kili is good looking ''(so is Tauriel). Aidan Turner said himself that he was supposed to play the hot dwarf, and that sounds really weird. Throughout the whole starlight conversation my friends were all going yay, awww Kili and Tauriel and I was just going, NO no no Tauriel belongs with LEGOLAS...dude...come on....stopit Kili....and they were laughing at me >.< Then they had to show Legolas ''watching them talk and I fully realized that there was going to be a freaking love triangle here, and it involved two beautiful elves and a dwarf. Nope, not going to happen (darn it, yes it probably will.) I don't have anything against Kili or Tauriel. I like them both. But think about it, a romance between them is not possible. First of all, she is an elf and like fives times taller than he is. Even though in the movie, she said he was tall (and then Legolas said he was ugly. Oooh jealous much?) I read something that said the whole purpose of this was to make Legolas hate dwarves a little more and to make that hate personal. That is stupid....seriously... Kili is gorgeous. Kili is a dwarf. He is too gorgeous to be paired with anyone. Tauriel belongs with Le-go-las. In one of the video diaries, Lee Pace and Evangeline Lilly were joking about jumping into the jacuzzi so I looked for the pool while Thranduil was talking to Tauriel. They didn't show the whole thing I think, just a gleam of water or something. Random... Okay so then they escaped...and Bilbo just stood here looking very lost. I was yelling (quietly) at him to put on his ring...seriously...you are about to get caught, you have a ring that can make you invisible... Or you can just go through the trap door without a barrel. Hehe. Kili got shot in the thigh while he was trying to get to the lever (smart). I thought it was a flesh wound, but he was soooooo in paiiiiiiiin and then he managed to open the portcullis, but everyone was screaming his name :( So many feels from that. And he happened to fall right into his barrel, too. Perfect timing. (I raised my eyebrow at that.) Ooh and Bombur is hilarious during that barrel scene. After watching everyone go over the waterfall in a barrel, I wondered if it was fun. That would be the ultimate roller coaster (as I told my friend). I am going to try it one day. Note: there is a lot of beheading in this movie. Later, when Thranduil beheaded the Orc he and Legolas were holding, and Legolas just calmly looks at him and goes,'' why did you do that?'' Seriously. A lot of heads. Too many heads. Heeeeaaaadses. Ok back to the review/thing/isn't even a review anymore/or is it? Okay then Tauriel and Legolas went into kickass mode. I don't know if I remember this correctly but I'm pretty sure Kili saved the life of Legolas. And I don't even think Legolas noticed. Or he chose not to notice. *raises eyebrows and wiggles them* Hello. Legolas. That person you are jealous of. Saved your life. Hi. I like seeing elves fight, because they're fierce and rough and graceful and agile all at once. I'm not sure how they pull it off but it works really well. And boom Kili is poisoned. Nooooo Kili D: Thorin really upped his jerk-ify-ness this movie huh. He's your nephew, dude, you don't care that he's wounded, you only care that he's gonna slow you down? Nooooo. And Tauriel actually went to find him after she found out, heh. She also knew Legolas would go after her, which is what I don't understand. You know he has feelings for you but you're gonna manipulate him into going with you to save someone who also has feelings for you? Wut. Oh, okay, and also to find out why the surge in Orcs and All Things Evil and to destroy it once and for all. And that too. several times owlishly Bard, by the way, does not look like Orlando Bloom. Maybe a little bit. Anyway, I'm just going to say that I despise the Master and then skip to when they're all leaving. Wow, Thorin, nice, you left four dwarves behind. I can't figure out how that is going to make sense, other than so Tauriel can save Kili (only to have him die in the next movie? I bet you Tauriel's gonna be the one holding him as he dies.) Jeesh that was really heart-wrenching.' ''You shouldn't be here. You should be walking in starlight. This is all a dream...I wonder if she could have loved me'. NO STOP DON'T CONTINUE (While I was watching that, I was pretty much muttering, ''don't kiss ugh don't do anything, Tauriel, go after Legolas, stoppppppppp and my friends were basically going kiss her.......''Mmhmm. -_- They didn't kiss, yay, but dammit what is going to happen now.) Another thing- since when was kingsfoil a ''weed that you fed to pigs? I smell food oO anyway, uhm...yeah. Dean O'Gorman and Aidan Turner are really good actors :D Also, they look like their dwarves. Not that if I bumped into them on the street I would notice them right away--I might not notice them at all, really, but Dean looks like Fili and Aidan Turner looks like Kili. Ok, if I bumped into Aidan Turner I would probably recognize him. He really looks like Kili. Just with longer hair. Smaug...at first, I thought he was going to be some giant serpent or something, because his neck appeared to be really long. It's a wyvern, right? It has two legs I think. Uhm...yeah. I can't think of anything else to comment on, except for this: who tries to drown a dragon in liquid gold? You just gave him a means to be more pretty. He already loves gold to death, you're going to coat him in it...excellent job, Thorin. *sarcastic applause* So yeah, there is my...huge...thing. Btw, Red, I didn't say anything about Kili and Legolas being hot, that's what you said. *sticks out tongue* Category:Blog posts